Manipulation and paternalism

This is a break because I need to write about what has been happening with my church and with me. We are reorganizing because we have no money to pay any staff. It will be run on an all-volunteer basis. This is a great idea.

My pain comes from the paternalistic and manipulative way that Eric is leading this change. From the heavy-handed repetition of "full participation" to the assigning of teams. It doesn't help that his preaching is a lecture that is yelled at us. I see no joy or resurrection in all of this. I see Eric's agenda and his single-mindedness is carrying it out.

I spoke up. I wrote a letter replying to their letter. So far, I have had no response. I'm not sure they received it and I do not feel like I need to do their work for them of making sure they got it. Yet, until I get a response, I cannot in good conscience or good mental/spiritual health continue to attend. So I am churchless and a little forlorn. Peter doesn't like it either. He is more patient that I am. Or maybe I have just had enough of people manipulating me. I don't need that. It feels ugly and wrong.

I would like to go to Edgewater. Yet I am anxious about the questions: where's Peter? I do not belong at RPPC and am not sure where else to go. Thank God, for now, I am okay. I will continue to give myself space to heal and feel less bruised before I try to go again.

In the meantime, I have been thinking about lamentation. So much has happened in the last two weeks. Shooting at Mother Emanuel church, a reverend setting himself on fire to highlight the pervasiveness of racism, Obamacare stays the law, LGBT people have the right to marry everywhere. Of course, those last two do not require lamentation! I have been thinking about public prayer. How can Peter and I respond - or even just I - to these shootings and other abuses? How can I - beyond sharing on FB - act on Reverend Moore's sacrifice? And I have been thinking about the possibility of prayer in Rogers Park - the north of Howard section. Possibly in front of the Jonquil. Just go there once a week and pray, lament, confess, and worship. Quietly. I suspect people will join us.

In the meantime, I need to ensure that I am healthy and not avoiding this feeling of loss and hurt. I need to acknowledge it and feel it. Then I can begin to let it go. I can begin to make it better.
B