Lamentation

Matthew 7:21-23: Not everyone who says to me "Lord, Lord,' will enter the kin-dom of heaven. Only those doing the will of my father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Didn't we prophecy in your name, didn't we cast out many demons in your name, and were we able to do many things in your name?" And I will declare to them, "I never knew you. Depart from me you workers of lawlessness."

So, I've been thinking more about my response to Rev. Moore. I've been thinking of racism as a white problem. We are the only ones able to fix it. So how can I make my voice heard? How I can I say with love that not only is now the time, but we are the people to begin to solve this problem.

I spoke with Peter yesterday and we talked about holding a weekly prayer service, specifically a service of lamentation. Weekly and after shootings in the neighborhood or other atrocities committed against black people by white people. A witness that begins with lamentation - lamenting with our brothers and sisters. Mourning with those who mourn and weeping with those who weep. Peter then told me about Nora's prayer walk and I am wondering whether we can do something like that weekly. Not just in this neighborhood though. I would like it to include the parts of the neighborhood south of Howard.

We also thought about including James.

But it must begin with lamentation. Lamenting our own part in the system. That feels like a good place to start.

Lamentation. Lord, forgive us. We do not know what we do.
B

Manipulation and paternalism

This is a break because I need to write about what has been happening with my church and with me. We are reorganizing because we have no money to pay any staff. It will be run on an all-volunteer basis. This is a great idea.

My pain comes from the paternalistic and manipulative way that Eric is leading this change. From the heavy-handed repetition of "full participation" to the assigning of teams. It doesn't help that his preaching is a lecture that is yelled at us. I see no joy or resurrection in all of this. I see Eric's agenda and his single-mindedness is carrying it out.

I spoke up. I wrote a letter replying to their letter. So far, I have had no response. I'm not sure they received it and I do not feel like I need to do their work for them of making sure they got it. Yet, until I get a response, I cannot in good conscience or good mental/spiritual health continue to attend. So I am churchless and a little forlorn. Peter doesn't like it either. He is more patient that I am. Or maybe I have just had enough of people manipulating me. I don't need that. It feels ugly and wrong.

I would like to go to Edgewater. Yet I am anxious about the questions: where's Peter? I do not belong at RPPC and am not sure where else to go. Thank God, for now, I am okay. I will continue to give myself space to heal and feel less bruised before I try to go again.

In the meantime, I have been thinking about lamentation. So much has happened in the last two weeks. Shooting at Mother Emanuel church, a reverend setting himself on fire to highlight the pervasiveness of racism, Obamacare stays the law, LGBT people have the right to marry everywhere. Of course, those last two do not require lamentation! I have been thinking about public prayer. How can Peter and I respond - or even just I - to these shootings and other abuses? How can I - beyond sharing on FB - act on Reverend Moore's sacrifice? And I have been thinking about the possibility of prayer in Rogers Park - the north of Howard section. Possibly in front of the Jonquil. Just go there once a week and pray, lament, confess, and worship. Quietly. I suspect people will join us.

In the meantime, I need to ensure that I am healthy and not avoiding this feeling of loss and hurt. I need to acknowledge it and feel it. Then I can begin to let it go. I can begin to make it better.
B

Gifts

Matthew 7:9-11 - Or which man among you if your child asked for bread, give him a stone? Or if he asked for a fish, would give him a snake? And if you, who are evil, know to give good gifts to your children, how much more does your father, the one who is in heaven, know to give good things to you?

Two things pop out: trust and gifts.

Trust that God knows what we need and gives them. Trust that God can lead us. God will sustain our physical body but also our spirit, if we let her. This kind of radical trust is hard. But the serenity that comes from focusing on what we can do - instead of what we lack - is worth the effort to continually give our worries to God. Answers come if we listen for them.

The piece that intrigues me this morning - especially in light of events at RPPC - is gifts, good things. Not just food or water or shelter. But all gifts. What are my gifts? How am I willing to use them? In seminary and CPE I became much more willing to look at my gifts and see where God may be leading. Today, I need to continue that process. Everyday actually!

So, today, I have the gifts of compassion, administration, organization, writing, joy, love, self-care, empathy, being present with others, knowing, preaching, liturgy, prophecy - in the sense of speaking for God, curiosity, intuition. I also have the "gift" of procrastination and lack of self-esteem. These make it more difficult for me to exercise my gifts. Of course, so does having lupus. In fact, that is a much bigger obstacle than I had thought it would be. Yet, each day I am working to see where I need to be today. What I need to do today - not just for me but for my marriage and my husband.

My prayer is: God, help me to trust that you will lead me to use my gifts for your glory and to increase the love, joy, peace, understanding and empathy in the world.
Amen

Ask, Seek, Knock

Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask and you will be answered, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks will be answered, and everyone who seeks finds, and for everyone who knocks, it will be opened.

I only have questions. What are we asking for? What are we seeking/striving after? Where are we knocking? I suspect there is a specific thing. First thought is looking back to where our treasure is, perhaps we are knocking on heaven's door? Seeking God? Asking for what?

Things to think about today.
B

Holy things

Matthew 7:6 - Do not give holy things to dogs nor throw your pearls in front of pigs lest they trample them under their feet (treat them with disdain) and turn and attack you.

So, questions. What are the holy things, the pearls? And what do the dogs and swine represent here?

I think when I was growing up I knew instinctively not to share myself too much with my family. They would only have ammunition if I did. The things I cherished and cared about. Even now, I know that my family and I do not always see eye to eye. Sometimes they react badly; sometimes I react badly. Even with Peter. I forget how much he values helping others in necessary ways. I shared with him last night about the monks using the proceeds of their begging to buy neighborhood kids ice cream. Which I thought was sweet and Peter immediately criticized for not using the money for necessities. I think Peter sometimes doesn't realize how others like having fun, because he is very serious.

Of course, that is a minor example. But it illustrates how much we can all be swine and dogs to each other when we are not careful. Or even on purpose.

I was thinking during mediation this morning about the song La Bamba. In particular, the line - to dance the La Bamba one needs a little grace. A little grace for you; a little grace for me. We all need grace. Because we can all act like dogs and swine about some things. Not truly understanding the value of some things. Even if the value is subjective. So I can give Peter grace because he gives me grace.

The much bigger lesson here is the idea that we need to be aware of others. We need to have good judgment regarding them. We need to pay attention so that we do not set ourselves up to be hurt unintentionally. We need to recognize who is safe for us, what they are safe for and who is not. Wise as serpents, gentle as doves. Wisdom consists in seeing others as they are and acting accordingly. Therefore, one does not tell their most intimate stories to someone who is likely to tear it down.

This also means we can learn how to communicate with others. We can take the measure of others and know what is likely to set them off and what is safe to say. There is no reason to tell all our secrets to everyone we meet. I think this does not just protect us but it also protects others. We do not talk about holy things with atheists - not because they are dogs or swine - but because they may be annoyed and/or treat them with disdain.

We need to be cognizant of who we are talking with and take their feelings into account in our conversations.

Wise as serpents, gentle as doves.
B

Logs and specks

Matthew 7:3-5 - Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye and not notice/contemplate the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me remove the speck from your eye", and indeed the log is in your own eye? Hypocrite, first remove the log from your own eye and then you will be able to see clearly the speck in your brother's eye.

Continuing on from judging - look at your own faults first. Seek to remove them. Not just look but contemplate, intensely scrutinize your faults, your logs. Those things that block our vision, that keep us from seeing how our actions affect others. Or those justifications that keep us comfortable. The fears that keep us separated from those we love or those we could help. That keep us from seeing others as human beings, that tell us that the Other is evil, bad, wicked, a terrorist.

What is your log? What are my favorite logs? How do I justify not continually working for others? How do I justify the time spent relaxing? How do I justify looking away when others are hurting? How can I keep myself open and loving? What do I get out of not looking at my junk?

And having found the answers the question becomes - how can i clear these things out so that my vision might be clear. That I might notice those hurting around me and be willing to help. That I might understand that everyone is hurting in some way. Everyone is doing the best they (we) can. Even my own mistakes were the result of doing the best I could at the time. Now my vision is clearer and I can see other choices I had that I could not see then.

First, I ask God's help not only to see where I have gone astray but also how can I do better today. Without God, I am liable to justify and excuse the hurtful things I have done. Understanding that God loves me helps me to really look, to scrutinize and contemplate. And begin to love myself even though I am not perfect.

This will take a lifetime! So, there will rarely be a time when we can see our own faults well enough to help others with theirs. Unless we are asked and we are merciful and understanding. Without love, none of this is possible. Recognizing God's love for us, loving ourselves and loving others in return.

Somehow, it always comes down to love.
B

Measure

Matthew 7:2 - For the judgment by which you judge, you will be judged; and the measure by which you measure it will be measured to you.

I really like this not for the tit for tat idea but it explains  so much. When we are merciful, we add mercy to the world. When we are peaceful toward others, we add peace to the world. When we are joyful, we add joy to the world. When we are grateful, we add gratitude to the world. When we give and receive grace, we add grace to the world. When we are trustworthy, we make the world a more trustworthy place. When we are loving, we add love to the world.

The converse is also true. When we are judgmental, we add negativity to the world. When we are harsh, we add harshness to the world. When we are grouchy or, we add anger to the world. When we lash out in anger to the world. When we take our blessings for granted, we add to the entitlement in the world. When we lie and deceive, we add make the world a little more untrustworthy. When we are hateful, we add to the hate in the world.

The prayer of St. Francis addresses this beautifully. Let me be a channel of your peace, love, forgiveness, faith, hope, light and joy. It's a good place to start working for peace; in our own hearts.
B