Ransom

Matthew 20:28 - "Just as the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Serve. Not slave, completely different word. Perhaps this is the verb for what slaves do? Jesus reiterates and highlights the necessity for service in God's kin-dom. Jesus came not to be treated like royalty, like a god - but t0 serve those in his care. To serve is the job definition of a slave. So, again, the chasm between Jesus as part of the Trinity and Jesus as a human being, a slave, could not be greater. He truly emptied himself.

He emptied himself and gave "his life as a ransom for many." What does it mean for Jesus to give his life? Does it mean that he dies for us? Does it mean that he dedicated his human life to serve? In this case, I think it is both-and rather than either-or. He spends his ministry in healing, teaching, prophesying and resisting. His death is a result of that activity. He died that we might live - not saved from hell after we die, but live our true lives hell and now. Freedom from our former, limiting ways of thinking rather than freedom from all pain in the afterlife. Freedom from being of this world - being blown every which way by the winds of opinion and fashion. Freedom from a life lived without purpose or meaning. Freedom to be who we are.

This is how I define 'saved' in my own life. I was living in the hell of having no sense of my own self worth, thinking my very existence was shameful, being convinced I was going to hell after death, that I was excluded from Jesus' promises, being petty, spiteful and self-centered, thinking I had missed the key of life that everyone else seemed to have, dealing with abuse from family and significant others. Traumatized. Like the women who are coming forward and sharing their own stories of sexual abuse and harassment. We were all living in hell.

Jesus came to me at my lowest point to let me know he understood, even if no one else did. I have been graced by that revelation more than I can speak. I'm no longer haunted by the past. And yet these revelations of sexual abuse by so many powerful men have opened up a new awareness of how much stuff I took responsibility for that wasn't mine to be responsible for. It's hard to look at because no one wants to see themselves as a victim. I don't want to see myself as a victim, as vulnerable (in the bad way). Yet, I do it anyway to the best of my ability. I recognize that while my physical age may have been considered old enough, I was not emotionally mature enough - L, D, J. All took advantage of my immaturity.

This past weekend was rough, thinking about these events. I think I have enough recovery that I no longer feel bad, shameful, sinful, screwed up. I have enough recovery to remember my strength, to keep working, writing, applying for Iliff. Enough confidence in me and those who support me to believe that none of that is who I am.

That is the freedom Jesus offered me; freedom from the past, my foibles, my traumatizing experiences. Jesus reminds me of my birth-right; I am a child of God.
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