Ferguson

Ugh. On Wednesday, Peter and I went to the GNP Thanksgiving dinner. When the time came to go around the room for thanks, Bud started out by thanking God for forgiveness. Because we are all in this mess of a racist society (my words) and we all benefit and contribute in various ways. But with forgiveness, we are free to act rather than spend all our energy on denial. That is true freedom: freedom to choose our responses rather than the prison of reacting on autopilot.

My anger over the non-indictment has now turned to a profound sadness - a mourning with those who mourn. I feel God's presence urging me to speak up in some way. So this is a small start. I have been pondering who I can writ to or contact to protest and request that the federal government now get involved. (I went to Holder's website and they are on it.) Although I do not have much hope that that would change anything. Obama has responded with the status quo rather than denouncing the obvious racism for what it is. I wonder if he knows how many people are disappointed that he is more concerned with appearances than substance.

Anyway, I think I have been sitting too long. It is time to put forth some effort.

Holy Sadness. I think once my application for UofC is in, I will think about rewriting my "Wait" sermon. It would go well in this instance. I pray for guidance - fBurther guidance. Guidance and Strength.

Strength to remember that this is the way it has always been. There is always some group at the bottom and the people at the top conspire to keep them there. It was this way in Jesus' day and before. All the psalms talk about the injustices that face people on a regular basis. I think Psalm 88 applies here. We pray and pray and nothing really changes. Yet, it is a psalm of hope - because we continue to pray.

God forgive us for we know not what we do.

Competition

So, this morning I am struck by the Serenity prayer; especially the part about acceptance of others with love. Okay, that is only in my version. Accepting my powerlessness implies strongly that I accept others not as competitors but rather as co-workers, cooperating partners. I realize that I see the world this way unless I am confident of my own status. But God asks us to pray for our enemies, our competitors. I need new glasses to see this truth. So, my attitude today is to be accepting of others as cooperating partners rather than competitors. My seminary experience would have been so different if I had seen this then.

Seeing others as competition blocks most chances for cooperation and friendship. Yet there is another aspect of this as well. I'm always worried that I'll be see as a fraud if I don't know everything. That attitude does not help with networking. These things keep me isolated and they ultimately hurt me. They also deprive others of the contributions I can make. This is something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind.

There is a question here. What are we cooperating in or working toward? How are my goals the same or different from those of the community? How can I find out? Well, I can start by going to the participatory budgeting meeting tomorrow and seeing what happens. I can only know who my gold coins are when I know my end goal.

Where is my treasure/judging what is right

So this morning's passage is Jesus bringing conflict and interpreting the signs of the times. "And why don't you judge for yourselves what is right?" That was the line that hit me this morning. I think this means that he is letting them know that they (and we) are ready to stop continually looking to others for our authority, to stop following that authority blindly. He sounds angry to me. Angry or frustrated. So should we learn to judge what is right? Just after this he talks about making a deal with your accuser before you get to court because at court they may not get true justice (truly a 21st century reading). But I think he is also suggesting that courts should not be necessary? Almost saying that settling out of court as a mark, an indication of maturity. We can judge for ourselves what is right. But not everyone agrees on this. Our judgments will be more merciful and forgiving - ideally.

Since he's just spoken about treasure in heaven, our judgments will be more merciful if that is where they are. We may be less likely perhaps to hang on to our possessions, our social status and our rigidity, need for control so tightly. Loosen up. Let the small things go. Again, I come back to D and E. Oh boy do I need to let that anger go. I suspect there's something deeper her that I need to look at.

Being misunderstood, treated as though I'm stupid or naive. I'm not sure how one would classify the crack about conversation levels. Treating me as if my feelings are just so fragile they have to make an effort to be "sensitive." I'm not a child, and yet I'm angry. Am I angry about the treatment or the loss? Although I can see that I'd rather not work with such people, I'm still hurt to be Othered in such a way. I'm not sure how others get past that. Maybe I need to start by accepting. Accepting what they did and accepting that I did not speak up for myself. I think that is what I am most frustrated about. I cannot change their actions nor my response. So acceptance.

As I write there is a young child outside who's very angry. I wonder if God feels toward me what I feel toward that child - compassion and a knowledge that although their grief is large and all-consuming now, it's really very small compared to the rest of their life. I think God does.

Where is my treasure in this situation? What is right? Acceptance and compassion.

Where is your treasure?

Where is your treasure? Psalm 63 talks about yearning for God and Luke talks about yearning for the Kingdom. God delights in giving us this kin-dom. Yet there are always those (like me) who cannot believe this, who keep other from entering as well. So, what about me? Where is my treasure? Am I hoarding? Am I keeping others out in some way?

As I write this, I am still resentful about D and E. I guess I need to work through that anger with them and with myself. I really wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask why they thought I'd not had deep conversations with anyone. I still feel as though something important was taken away. Well, not taken away, but damaged? changed? I was so happy to be associated with them. Now, although I miss everyone, I feel a sense of loss as well as a desire to see everyone, it wouldn't be the same. I think a part of me had begun to identify my ministry with them. Maybe too much. Maybe my identity was tied up in it. Maybe this was where my treasure was, rather than in heaven. Maybe I need to build my identity and find my treasure elsewhere. I don't really want to hang on to the face of their rudeness and condescension. That will never make me feel good.

So, where is my my treasure? How much is in P? How much is in God? vocation? That reminds me of a remark S made: reading as work. I hadn't thought of it that way before. Perhaps a clue to my true vocation? And where does Rogers Park fit in?

Where is my treasure?

Lamps and hiding

So, today's text is about lamps. We don't put lamps under blankets. We let them shine so we can see. So what does it mean when Jesus says the eyes are the lamp of the body? I get two things actually.

1. The most obvious is that we are not to hide who we are. We are to keep our eyes open and our light shining. This means we must continually look at who we are and how we are treating our fellows. Our light comes from our thoughts. For me, my thoughts do not always need to be aired. I can take a moment at shine God's light through them. Feed the light rather than the darkness.

But there is another way to hide: and that is to not share who we are, what our greatest desires are, what our needs are. If we do not share these things, I do not believe we can be truly known. This is my challenge in discerning where to apply to do a PhD - being able to share what excites me about Hypatia and her world and also what I would like to learn and research. I was at a conference last weekend where this was made very clear to me. I have a hard time meeting people and articulating what I'd like to learn, what I want and who I am. It is time to stop hiding from myself and from God.

2. We cannot close our eyes to the plight of others. I don't think this was the original intent but I think it's important. It is so easy for me to close my eyes or look the other way. My desire is to learn to keep my eyes open and to let others in. That is the flip side of hiding - when we are hiding we cannot see others and we cannot love them nor they us.

And all of this reminds me of St. Francis' prayer: Make me a channel (an open channel!) of your peace. I cannot do that and hide.

B

Life is Precious

Today, I was on a walk along the lake. At Fargo Beach, the waves were whipping up against the rocks. No sun to glorify them. At Howard Beach I saw a couple throwing a ball for their dog and another man whose dog really wanted to join in. His son was enjoying running a stick along the fence. Then I walked by an older dog with two people standing in a driveway. As I thought about that dog, my thought was "Life is Precious." Except, it wasn't my thought - it was like someone was teaching me. I was overwhelmed by gratitude that I felt that way.

I am not known for feeling that way. Yet I am grateful that I right now have the privilege of time to reflect. Time to write and study. Time to edit my presentation on Hypatia and time to learn more. I have not always been so grateful - in fact, I'm often rather fearful. But today, this evening, sitting here with my husband and listening to the rain, I am grateful.

And I think that everyone deserves to feel that way. I know there are people who are trying to stay dry in that rain. They will head for bridges and hope there is no flood. They will hope that the police will leave them in peace. There are so many people for whom life is precious, yes, but more difficult than it has to be.

There are people for whom life is cheap. Especially here in Chicago. While I am lucky enough to live on the North side, I live in a neighborhood that sees a shooting about once a month, some of them fatal. Life is cheap here. For people who have no hope for a future, who can see no way to a better future, life is cheap.

And Christ says no to that. For Christ, life, human life was and is precious. He came and healed people, listened to their problems, and tried to show us a better way to live. But it is hard to see the hope that Christianity offers. We are called to believe in the future promise of an earthly paradise and do what we can to make that happen. But life was just sucky when Christ was here. It was pretty sucky in Abraham's time too. And yet, they had hope. They saw the future promise and gave their life to it.

This is not optimism but faith. I have little of this kind of faith. I pay too much credence to what I see with my eyes and read in the news to have that kind of faith. But I try. And I think recognizing that Life is Precious - not just my life but everyone's life - is a good step on the way.

First Post

This is a test. I am keeping the blog private until I am ready. I still cannot decide whether to do a church online - with the bells and whistles - or to do the Heidelberg Catechism meditations first. Perhaps I could work on both. I think getting this ready will take time. Maybe I should plan to go live in Aug or Sept? By then I will have some material ready. I might also have a decent title for the blog by then.

I am excited!
B