BROKEN

 (Part 2 of a 5-part series. Part 1 here.)

Broken.

But first, two caveats. There is no blame in what follows. Everyone involved has made amends and reconciled.

Second, if you love someone whose drinking is affecting your life, Al-Anon might be able to help.

Broken. Yes, I was broken through alcoholism in my family. Broken through the terror, the violence, and the abuse. Alcoholism is really good at breaking things. It runs through both sides of my family, so it’s no surprise that some of us were broken. I’m still broken in some ways. There are some traits I acquired in my childhood home that I’ll be dealing with until I die.

What do I mean when I say ‘broken?’ I remember sitting in church (nothing against that church) and hearing the priest talk about heaven. “Not for me,” I thought. I was six years old. I thought I was destined to hell. With my kid logic, I assumed I must have done something terrible for my parents to not love me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what that was. I didn’t know then that they were doing the best they could.

Even so, I was broken in the same way our current government is broken; functioning, but only just barely. I was the embodiment of all the terrible things my parents told me about myself, or that my kid logic told me. I had no idea who I was. I certainly didn’t like myself. When I first got lupus, which is an autoimmune disorder wherein my body make antibodies to my DNA, I used to joke that I REALLY didn’t like myself. That’s not why I have lupus.

Anyway, that’s how broken I was. I had no sense of self whatsoever, no sense of safety or security, no sense of joy. I made impulsive decisions that put me in danger more than once. I needed repairing. My brain needed washing to get all my crappy thoughts out and to put some loving thoughts in.

My dad tells the story of how he realized he was an alcoholic. He was in a bar and was thinking about his buddies at the bar. As he went down the bar getting closer with each name, he thought how each of them was an alcoholic. Then he came to himself. He never took another drink after that night. I had a similar story. I had just been thinking that my boyfriend should really get to an AA meeting. Then I realized, no, I needed to get to an Al-Anon meeting.

Because I was broken.

But I finally realized I didn’t have to stay broken. After all the s#!t I put myself through, I still had hope for a better life.

While there’s life, there’s hope.

B