YOU ONLY HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE

Matthew 26:23 - He answered, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me.”

The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. This implies intimacy, deep intimacy. And thus, deep betrayal. So, which of them is it? Would the disciples have known which one of them he meant? We know because we’ve been told. It seems like a non-answer in the end, more of a repetition of his original assertion. We too will betray him. It’s inevitable, because we’re human and in our ignorance or tiredness or self-centeredness, we dismiss the imago dei, the Christ in others we encounter or share our lives with.

I am reminded of the saying, “You always hurt the ones you love.” I think that’s because the closer the relationship, the deeper the hurt. Here, I am thinking of Donald’s and Q’s victims. The Proud Boys, the Boogaloo Boys, the QAnon fanatics, and all the other white supremacist groups that supported him. I understand many of them were waiting for the arrests of Biden, Harris, and others. Instead, Biden and Harris were sworn in without incident. I’m sure they must have felt betrayed. Dismayed, betrayed, hurt. They were all in for another four years. Some of them committed crimes for him. Donald betrayed us all in numerous ways, but I think this taking advantage of their ignorance or gullibility may have been the unkindest cut of all.

I actually feel bad for them – now that Donald cannot do more damage for the time being. I know what it feels like to be betrayed on this level. You probably do too. It hurts when someone we love and trust is cruel or heartless toward us. My hope for all those who feel that way about Donald might come to understand what the rest of us were saying about him now that their eyes are not blinded to the truth. It will be hard to admit the truth that they were duped and taken advantage of and then discarded when no longer necessary. But my hope is that they can come back to reality – and that they can make restitution for such behavior as needs it. Some of them more than others.

Of course, the Republican leadership and those white supremacists who were not taken in are not off the hook. They all knew better and were spreading the lies they knew to be lies. They all need to take a good long look in the mirror and see where their cowardice and racism has gotten them. Their betrayal is just as bad as Donald’s. The best way to love them now is to hold them accountable for their support of Donald’s betrayal and the damage his thousands of lies did to our country.

It is the one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me who will betray me. To those of us who are still traumatized by the betrayal of Donald and Republican leadership, my hope is that we can one day begin to relax and sleep at night. That one day we can recognize our neighbors as neighbors and not be worried about what kind of s#!t they might pull. That we no longer have to watch the president on a daily basis to be prepared for what might come next. No longer wait for the other shoe to drop.

My hope is that we can begin now to recover, however much time it takes. My hope is that we can hope for better days soon. And when we’re ready, to work for them as well.

B

 

DENIAL

Matthew 26:22 – And they became greatly distressed and began to say to him one after another, “Surely not I, Lord?”

In his excellent Atlantic article, “Denial is the Heartbeat of America,” Dr. Ibram Kendi refutes the idea that so many put forward after the attempted insurrection last Wednesday; This is not who we are. He writes, “In the aftermath of catastrophes, when have Americans commonly admitted who we are? The heartbeat of America is denial.” Beginning with three generals who in 1783 wanted to revolt against the Continental Congress, through the Civil War, through the Tulsa Massacre, Kendi lays out the numerous times white people have striven to ensure that Black Americans could not vote. Kendi writes, “White terror is as American as the Stars and Stripes. But when this is denied, it is no wonder that the events at the Capitol are read as shocking and un-American.”

Sadly, the insurrection is part of who we are as America.

I know, or at least suspect, that some people say this isn’t who we are as a way of describing an ideal. But it does no good to deny that America is not ideal. In his article, Kendi lists all the ways that Americans think they’re the best in the world while reality is otherwise. (Seriously, go read this article.) Denial of our history, our heritage, is who we are.

And we’re in good company here, because denial is not just an American trait, it is a human trait. Jesus has just told the disciples that one of them will betray him, and their first reaction is, “Surely, not I?” This includes Judas, who handed him over to the Jewish authorities, and the rest of the men who deserted him at the cross. Not to mention Peter, who denied him three times that very night. Their haste to distance themselves from such an accusation reminds me of the Family Circus comic and its ghost characters, Not Me and Wasn’t Me. In the comic, when any of the kids break something or go against the rules of the house, their response to being questioned is “Not me,” or “It Wasn’t Me.” The ghost characters of course are seen running away from the scene of the crime. This desire to be seen as perfect and good at all times begins in childhood

It is the first step on the road to hell.

I believe Donald is in the hell of such denial. He may be so deep he can no longer tell truth from fiction. His denial of and two-month long effort to overturn the results of the election led directly to the insurrection at the Capitol and invited us all into that hell. His supporters in this denial are in Donald’s hell with him. In fact, we are all in one way or another (or maybe even multiple ways) victims of Donald’s denial and delusions.

That’s one problem with denial; it doesn’t just harm us or those we want it to harm. Denial harms everyone in its orbit – everyone. Denial and the inability or unwillingness to look at ourselves individually, and as a nation, harms everyone around us. America(ns) will go on harming ourselves economically, politically, and psychologically until we listen to the Black prophets yelling from the rooftops that racism needs to be erased.

But how? What do we do? How do we go about changing this? What is our role? My role?

I saw a video by Dr. David Campt talking about how to have difficult conversations. Bear with me, it is relevant! Using race as an example, he described three different responses to racist remarks: stay silent and speak to others later, speak out boldly, or take time and try to find common ground. He labels these: Cavalry, soldier, and spy. We want to be a spy.

Why?

A spy has to have compassion. A spy needs to fit in; they need to stay undercover and the best way to stay undercover is to have compassion for those around them. This is important, because if we want to have difficult conversations, we need to listen to the other side with compassion.

Dr. Campt’s metonym for the times when we want to respond to racism (be a spy) is RACE – Relax (get calm, take a breath), Ask a question, Confess – meaning confess how we may be similar or had a similar experience, and finally Engage more deeply on the common ground we (hopefully) have established.

It’s the confession that is at the heart of this scheme – confession, compassion, connection. That is how we find common ground with others. Finding common ground lowers people’s defenses, making it more likely they’ll be receptive to what we say. People really don’t like hearing how they’re wrong, even about little things. We don’t. The disciples didn’t.

Dr. Campt gives us a way to begin to fulfill Dr. Kendi’s call to action:

… what will make America true is the willingness of the American people to stare at their national face for the first time, to open the book of their history for the first time, and see themselves for themselves—all the political viciousness, all the political beauty—and finally right the wrongs, or spend the rest of the life of America trying.

This can be who we are.

Link to Dr. Kendi’s Article.

Link to David Campt’s video

Betrayal

Matthew 26:20-21 – When it was evening, he sat at the table with the twelve disciples, and as they were eating, he said, “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”

One of you will betray me. Literally, hand me over (to be killed).

I confess I’ve had a hard time with this passage. There is so much betrayal in the news on a daily basis. Betrayal of citizens by trying to cast out their votes. Betrayal of refugees by family separation and concentration camps at the border and elsewhere. Betrayal by inaction – by not doing anything about the coronavirus at the federal and sometimes the state level. Betrayal by lies, by not accepting the results of the election, by court cases, by election fraud, by every deed Donald does and every word that comes out of his mouth. By Republicans whether silent or enthusiastically in support of Donald. Betrayal incitement of a mob to storm the Capitol building. Our president has betrayed all of us numerous times in order to stay in power. Then yesterday – the worst betrayal of all.

My hope for you and all of us is to give ourselves permission to feel how we feel about it. Give ourselves time to lament and to grieve. Give ourselves time and space to breathe. In times like this, that alone can feel like a betrayal on our part. But in times like this, when the government has left us all to swing in the breeze, that self-care is an act of resistance, to quote Audre Lorde.

In normal times, I’d focus more on the ways we betray Christ ourselves by betraying others. And we do and we should look at that. But these are not normal times. These are times in which we are all traumatized in varying degrees. And the trauma will continue for some time – even after Donald is removed from office. This is true whether that removal comes in thirteen days or sooner. Just as we don’t ask people who are currently in any sort of crisis to examine their part (if any) until it is safe, so I will not focus on how we might be betraying others. The time is not yet right.

With one exception. I would ask that we take note of the Capitol Police’s deferential handling of these white insurrectionists. That is not the reality of many Black people, brown people, LGBTQ+ people, disabled people, and especially those who have more than one of these life circumstances. They would have been (and in fact have been in the past!) shot at with tear gas, flash bangs, and rubber and perhaps even real bullets. When we are able to go out freely again, let us not return to this extremely unjust normal but rather work for a society that everyone can feel safe in, can succeed in, and can call home.

For now, let’s take care of ourselves and care for others as much as we can. 

B