HIDING

Matthew 26:25 - Judas, who betrayed him, said, “Surely not I, Rabbi?” He replied, “You have said so.”

I think it’s significant that Jesus only responds to Judas. The others seem to be ignored. I admit that Jesus’s response here has always confused me. So, I looked up the Greek wording and found something that I think explains it. In Koine Greek, the inflected verbs carry so much grammatical information that often the pronoun can be left out without compromising understanding. This happens often in the New Testament. In this text, however, both Judas and Jesus use pronouns when referring to Judas. Judas uses ‘ego’ for I, and Jesus uses ‘su’ for you. This construction is used to emphasize the person rather than the action. “Surely not I, Rabbi?” “You said it.” Jesus doesn’t reassure Judas, nor does he admit that he is aware of Judas’s plans. He throws back Judas’s words; an implied “Your own words have condemned you.”

My question then is what is Judas up to here? Is he testing Jesus? Is he trying to convince Jesus that of course it isn’t him? Is he admitting it? Does he think Jesus doesn’t know? Does he think no one else will know? Is he panicking? I know that sometimes, especially when I was younger, panic would make me pretend that I hadn’t done whatever thing I was accused of. Of course, that doesn’t work for long, if at all. I think that there is a sense that Judas wants to know whether his cover is blown.

We are all Judas. As human beings it is impossible to be perfect, and thus impossible to go through life without occasionally (usually accidentally) hurting others. We’re Judas in that we don’t want our deeds to be found out. I would love if all my worst moments were hidden and never found out. But hiding like this only builds a wall with bricks made of ‘appearances’ between us and the world. Walls keep people out.

Although it’s uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassing at times, letting ourselves be known by another is our only salvation. But it’s risky to let others see us as we are, whether we’re talking about good or bad traits. They all carry a risk of rejection. And yet, being truly known is our only salvation. Being known for all that we are and being accepted gives us freedom to be ourselves. This is different than thinking of ourselves as ‘good people.’

We all like to think of ourselves as good people, but that is a dangerous road to go down. Not because we’re terrible, but because we confuse thinking about ourselves as good with actually being good – or at least striving to be good. When we pre-define ourselves as good, it’s easier to think of everything we do as good and right. Once we define ourselves as good, it’s harder to think of ourselves as having made a mistake. It’s harder to hear that we’ve been wrong about something. Once we pre-define ourselves as good, appearing good becomes more important than doing good. It’s harder to let ourselves be known.

I think this might be Judas’s problem. He didn’t want to be known for who he was. It’s risky! Sometimes, it’s easier to hide than to share our brokenness. Sometimes, it’s easier to hide than to share our talents and successes! Sometimes, it’s easier to hide than to find our strength, or even to find out we’re average after all. Hiding behind the wall of ‘appearances’ keeps us safe but also keeps love out. The wall keeps God out too.

So, my challenge today is to tear down the walls that we’re hiding behind, share ourselves with others, and step out into the light of love wherever we find it.

B