Fears

What is painfully absent from my life? Confidence! I seem to be afraid of or anxious about many things. And here I am reminded of Jesus - God, my heavenly mother knows what my needs are today. She is constantly sending love and peace. It is I who cannot (or forget to) receive it. Because I am looking elsewhere so often. This fear-filled approach to life is stunting. That is why I have been focusing on grace and Psalm 27. Taking my unnamed fears and anxieties and putting them in God's loving care frees me to be. Frees me to explore myself, my husband, and the world with confidence.

Unnamed. That is only partially true. One thing I am fearful about is people knowing me ... and rejecting me. Okay, that's two things. I am starting to feel pressure to be perfect (from myself). So I'm glad I was able to give Peter grace re: his laundry mishap yesterday. So perhaps the next step is to name some of those unnamed fears.

In addition to being known and rejections I am afraid that the voices that constantly tell me I am not good enough or smart enough are telling the truth. So I look to others for that affirmation. But I have not really let it sink in - so I focus on the surface issues - research statement, GRE - and rather than allaying my fears, this just feeds them. So I am giving my obedience to my fears rather than God.

Maybe seeing the 'fair beauty' of the Lord means opening myself to her great love for me - and all her children.

Transformation

Rivers of living water in the midst of the desert - the grind wears on us, the living water refreshes. The grind of the sand echoes our daily grind of life. Things to do, places to be, people to contact - the busy-ness of the day grinding our spirits down as the sands of the desert grinds our skin ... the water of Christ, flowing that we might bring forth our blossoms, leaves, fruit. Our true fruit - our true selves in Christ, that which never gets ground down. Only covered up because its fire is so bright and hot that we fear we may be consumed.
The secret? We will be consumed, but not wholly. What is left will grow and reveal to us our true selves, watered by the Living Water. If we have eyes to see. If we have ears to hear.